Point
My A1c went up. Missed the call from my Endo on my cell, volume low during work, so I only saw it about an hour ago. And now my mind is a whirl of darkness. This is it. I can’t manage my damn condition anymore. What’s the point. 26 years and this is the worst yet. I make all these changes then WHAM my body turns on me.
I don’t know what to think or do. DexCom will be here tomorrow, hooray! OmniPod – working on it. Moving soon, less stress! And I have no feelings attached to any of this. The exclamation points feel fake. I feel numb. Lost. Oh so frickin’ Lost.
Why? Why now? Why this issue or that? Why do I want to eat all the effin’ time? Why can’t the insulin work as well? Is it the insulin? Me? My lack of real estate? Do I even care anymore? Do I???
Some like to think they have the answer. I get it. You want it fixed. You’ve no idea how much more I Want that. Some are not nice about it. Some think this, try that, go here, fall down, deal with it, sorry about that….. my reaction? Fuck This Shit.
But I know I won’t. I know I won’t give up. But I do, sincerely, feel like this is a very slow death. These highs are Awful. Just plain horrible. Horrific at times, really. And I have NO handle on them anymore. No symptoms make for an exhausting life. Yet people want to blame me for it. And it hurts. It Really Fucking Hurts when you react that way, tell me the things you do in the manner you do. Please. Stop. Just listen….. Please, Listen.
But who wants to? I don’t make Any sense, nor does my body. I’m the opposite of what people learn. Those that just read, yeah, you don’t count. I’m talking the medical field, friends and family. We can discuss this, but DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. You, Thank God, don’t have it. Remember that.
Yes, I’m ranting. I really am lost. I feel so damn alone. So so so so frickin’ alone. There’s no one to hug me. Yes, it’s a tantrum now, a “it’s NOT FAIR!” moment or one hundred thousand of them. No one to hold my hand. No one to put an arm around me, tell me to let it out, to cry, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be down. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel the way I do. It sucks the depression will kick in but the light is there and Together…. there is no Together in my life right now. And I Truly don’t ever see it happening.
I need to get this out. It doesn’t mesh, meld or make sense. I don’t care. Because truly, at this moment, I can Not care. If I do, I will go down. I can’t go down. Obviously, that bitch A1c went up in two months. Who goes Up in two months?
I feel like a total failure. Like I’m not good enough, never was. Oh shit. Now I’m crying. This is a lovely thing to do to one’s self. Yup. Knock ‘er down good, Crystal. There you go, a couple more Big blows and that’s it. The ground.
If I go there… I don’t know if I’ll get up. Things were SO good in August. Then September this damn urinary tract infection shit on my world. Everything started falling apart. No Doctor wanted to listen to MY history, my Current situation, where I was, where I am, where I want to be. Just accusations, fear mongering with complications and just plain shit. It’s shit. All of it. I am, Diabetes is. My nazi Doctors are. My life is shit. It feels like shit because I feel like shit.
Shit.
I HATE YOU DIABETES. H A T E. HATE!!!!!! I don’t want you anymore. I so flippin’ hate you.
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Wish I lived closer. I’d come and sit and listen.
All I can do is send you an OM hug – several of them.
Sorry Crystal. I’ll join your pity party (but tomorrow the party is over, kay??)
Try to remember that our lives are made of numbers. All day…every day…different numbers. This is just one number in the humongous book of numbers.
Keep your head up girlie!
Oh Crystal… I’m sorry you are going through this and feel off on that island. I’d say something like “I get it” or “You’re Not Alone” or “You Can Do This”, but you know those phrases and sometimes they just don’t really mean anything. They don’t help because of how we feel. We are constantly falling, and the cliche of falling before you pick yourself up again just falls flat. There’s no bottom.
All I can say is that I’m here to listen, as I know so many are. Ranting all you need to, it’s beautiful and necessary music that makes up the full song that is Crystal. Or whatever poetic waxing that was all supposed to be. Or I just send you an online mojito, because that works too.
Look to those positives that there are, like the Dex and potential Omnipod… and even the fake exclamation points. Because just maybe some of the exclamation will wear off into other areas of life.
LY/MI. Best your way, my friend.
Hey Crystal….i dont know you…..but i just wanted to say thanks for being real. my AIC has been high the past coupla years so i understand some of what you feel….i mean no ones struggles are the same….but i loved reading ur post. the hell that ur going through gives ur posts… life, to be honest. the fact that you dont sugar coat everything or whatever is refreshing and allows people to feel like there is a network of people out there who have faced and are facing similar things as them. anywhoo just thanks for saying things how they are…..ur post does ironically actually give me hope….and i in turn hope that you find support and hope very soon!
Oh Doll, I wish you were closer, I’d give you a big hug. We’re all with you on the hate-wagon. So scoot over, make room for the rest of us and we’ll cheer you on until your #’s are back in range and you’ll be helping out the next person. Love you Grrrrl!
I have been there too Crystal. My A1C goes up and down and sometimes all my hard work doesn’t pay off and I get really upset too. Just take it one little goal at a time. I know I need to check more often, perhaps by setting little goals you will feel more accomplished. Dealing with diabetes is harder than anything anyone could imagine. We all feel overwhelmed at times. Rant it out girl! We all feel this way!
I, too, wish I lived closer. We could have had a cryfest tonight! I’m glad you’re writing about how you’re feeling and what’s going on.
Crystal, I’m so glad you were able to get it all out! Blogging and crying it out is a magic combination! I hope tomorrow, after the cry headache is taken care of with some advil, you feel much better and ready to battle another day.
We are all here giving you a big virtual hug. You are not alone. Yesterdays numbers are old news…today and tomorrow are all that matters right now. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I don’t want to say anything cliche. But I will say I love you so much. My heart hurts and my eyes are filled with tears reading this.
I wish I lived close, so I could give you that hug and anything you need. Please please please call me if you need me.
Love you LF (((((((hugs)))))))). You are not alone ever.
aww crystal, you are not alone, you are worthy, you are allowed to feel like shit. you can rant, and rage, and have a meltdown. and we will understand. and send you hugs. loads and loads of hugs. i have struggled with A1cs forever, and yesterday, oops no, monday mine was the lowest i think it has been EVER. so, if i can do it, so can you. and you know you can. remember, they are just numbers. some high, some low. some good, some bad. every day is a new day. and a new batch of numbers. don’t let them get to you. YOU ARE MORE THAN A NUMBER!! and not all doctors understand, so don’t let their ignorance get you down. smile, and remember, tomorrow is another day. ((((HUGS))))) <3
Crystal, I admire & appreciate your honesty. I wish there were some magic words I could say to make things better, but I know better than that. I wanted to let you know I’m here & listening. (Well, reading)
you know we have had some wonderful conversations in the past about many things…I won’t say I know how you feel but I will say we always come back fighting stronger…round 1, 2, 67, 345…doesn’t matter….I know when you decide to put your foot back in that ring …it will be so on! Crystal doesn’t go out, doesn’t go down w/o swinging…you know I love you and would be wrapping my arms around you girlie… (cue Chumbawamba =))
DON’T MOVE! I’ll be right there with something fantastic…like some chocolate or wine.
(((hugs)))
It sucks. The whole freaking shabang sucks big time.
But you DON’T suck.
YOU ROCK. Your transparency rocks. You heart rocks.
I don’t care what the number was.
You are still pretty freakin’ BADASS, SISTAH!
Rant away, chick. Get it all out. We need to do that from time to time. Diabetes sucks.
We love you, Crystal. Bunches. (((Hugs)))
oh crystal, i am so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. and i’m glad that you wrote this and got some of your messy feelings out.
you are not alone. things will get better. sending lots of love your way. <3
Not much to say that hasn’t already, but *hugs* (great big ones). And it’s good to let it all out in a rant…
I too wish I lived closer Crystal. I get it and I understand how frustrating it is. The only people that get it are the people living with this. Doctors have no clue and I refuse to share any readings/problems or anything with them because I am sick of the guilt trips they lay on us. I hope the Dex helps.
*hugs* I hate it too. I hate it all the time. My body is so accustomed to highs that they are my normal. I hate sliding down from a super-high and then I feel like I’m low at 140 mg/dl. I hate when I feel proud that my BG was 180 mg/dl and then somebody follows up with how high that is. My Dexcom should be here by the middle of next week. Maybe we should have a Dexcom start party! Dexcom is reassuring but nerve-wracking in its own way. I’m a little apprehensive about the insertion process, even though I’ve worn a pump for the past 11 years.
Sweetheart, I TOLD you – you’re never going to be truly alone again.
We’re all here, and we’re all on board.
That’s how it works. How much do you really want it? Keep your eyes on it, and go for it.
All this comes with that, but if it wasn’t this, it would just be something else, so you’re still OK.
No matter what the numbers are. This isn’t about any ONE day, but about ALL of them – so keep on doing what you do, and never give up, and never let ‘em see you sweat.
I love you,
Dad
this made me cry….thank you, I needed that. Diabetes does suck, but PWD don’t. Hoping today is a better day for you.
I feel like a horrible friend for not responding until now but I still wanted to. Your Dad’s comment made me tear up. But he’s right. No matter how much we hate it, we have to keep doing what we do. We just have to. I hope by now you are feeling better. Maybe some sense of relief from the Dexcom and OmniPod. Sending you lots of hugs because I know how those moments feel xoxo
If things were good in August, they CAN be good again.
Your Dad’s comment made me cry.
I’ve never commented before, but I read all your posts, and listen, I think you’re wonderful and you’re helping SO many other PWDs by being honest. I’m sorry things are dark right now. But you just might be able to turn it around. The Dex is a big, strong ally. It can be kind of a game-changer. It was for me. I hope it makes a difference for you, it sounds like it might. HANG IN THERE.