Tell Me I’m Ok

All the while I’ll tell Diabetes off, in more ways than you can imagine. Add to that list my new Endo. I’ve seen him four times since October. We’ve been working together….I think. Today his delivery on some news was less than desirable. I left feeling guilty. I felt awful about myself, my life. I was so upset. So of course I dropped 200 points in less than 2 hours, to a nice lovely effin’ 102, just like they like it. But no, stress and emotions don’t mess up your blood sugars, no way, no how. I’m supposed to be a rock, concrete slab, robot psycho with No feelings and eat… drink only water for the rest of the life God grants me. Mmm hmmm, yup. I was no longer human at the age of 6 when my body turned on me. Nope. Alien. From Pluto (dark and cold, right?). Yep.

The end of July, this year, I moved, started working full time and eating more consistently & better. My bg’s were AWEsomesauce. Then something happened, we are not sure why/how (hindsight, the bitch, I can guarantee why and it Has to change!) – I got an infection (UTI — Ladies, NO symptoms!!) – how long I had the infection? Months, at least. So that explained some highs and the horrific, I cannot believe I’m sharing this but I HAVE to for my sanity this evening – I hit 10. Yes, TEN. My A1c was shit. I was shit. It all went to shit.

Then I had an escalator incident; heavy suitcase down a flight….or two. Escalator was broken, folks. Ouch. I was sore for a week but things were fine. Bg’s still wonky so I asked for another urine test; negative. So what could I blame it on? Bad sites? Real estate crapping out on me? My love for chips because I can Chew because I have Teeth? (Our minds are this playground we didn’t know we should probably not step foot there, whoops.)

So yeah, I like chips. Sue me. I eat salad whenever I can get it. Add in the kitchen remodel where I live, no fridge. I can make excuses. Sure. I Know for a damn Fact that my emotions affect my blood sugars but I WILL NEVER CHANGE. I found myself not long ago, I canNot lose me again.

The escalator incident was disguising something I was fearing. I started to get scared; bad bg’s and edema (type of swelling). I was nervous, on edge and so very lost, frustrated & confused.

I’ve  been doing this for twenty six effin’ years. I know a lot. Now, I know nothing because all of a sudden the progression that is this damn disease reared it’s ugly head at a time in my life when things for the Better were to be happening. Maybe that’s it, they are better so I can handle the awful? Great. Thanks. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle… dude, Love Ya but seriously.

I also know I’m rambling because I don’t know what else to do.

So; moved, things great, infection, high bg’s, love of chips, I breathe air like everyone, A1c in the crapper at 10 and a new Endo. Then compression socks and a diuretic for the edema.

One Key component to all this madness…. hyperglycemic unawareness. Hyper, as in high. 99% of the time I have NO symptoms. Nothing. Nada. Gone. Done.

Ok, right, now I have all the components. All I know is I was trying, trying oh so damn hard to keep it together. Other things ensued and I had some pretty awful days, just plain Awful. Days that you can’t explain to anyone, not even another Diabetic. But I fought and I keep fighting because I Wanted to just Give Up, throw in the towel and tell the world I was Done & Diabetes could take me.

I’m still there. Thought about it this morning actually, no, late, yea, early this am. Lived a good life, loved my cat/dog, nieces/nephews/family. Saw places, did things, met people….

I went to work and tried to keep the dark thoughts at bay. I know this is long and I have not gotten to the point yet, sorry but I ramble when I’m a mess. I attended a health fair today and was able to speak with people who have Diabetes or know someone. I handed out information, alert necklaces and just listened. It was a Great day.

Then I went to my Endo. The nurse told me he sent in (no he didn’t, the other nurse did…) the paperwork for the OmniPod, he asked if I had it yet. I laughed, didn’t know you did it, I know I called a week ago but that was about the CGM because, HELLOOOOO, NOT feeling my highs! I think a megaphone and a neon sign, yes, both, will make an appearance next appointment.

Then he pointed, repeatedly, at my blood sugars and said this is your diet. I cannot tell you enough, in any other way, this is your diet. I brought up the infection, stress, hormones, period, emotions etc etc etc etc etc…..to no avail. Diet. He said one day it’s good then it isn’t. I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say really except, well, yea. You say diet, I say fist in your face. Yea, I was angry. No one has Ever said to me, Hey You, YOU SUCK AT EATING. Ha. I’m great at it actually because I Love food, not gonna stop either.

Let’s go back….just briefly – almost FIVE years without health insurance, barely making rent and fresh food was out of the question, consistently. Yet I was in the 7s then. So……I blame hyperglycemic unawareness. Yes, I do. All the way. It’s the underlying issue. And I’m sticking to that story, mkay? Things changed Dramatically for me in July. A lot changed, all at once. And I’m supposed to be “in range” after 26 years? Bahahahaha! Seriously, these medical schools, what I wouldn’t give to go OFF on these instructors. You all treat us like it’s easy, there’s a formula. Yo, if there was…. there would be a frickin’ cure. But Diabetes entails hundreds of variables, all day, every day. We are individuals with very different make ups. We don’t all react the same to the food we intake, the stress, environment etc etc.

I went on a tangent again, huh? Sorry.

Ok, so even though I am aware of the hyperglycemic unawareness, I guess I never categorized it as a complication. I just felt it made sense after all these years, I’ve had symptoms change before. It’s like your body saying this antibiotic isn’t effective anymore. So you try something else. With symptoms, you test like crazy to figure out what changed. About every 5 years for me. So this was within schedule.

My Endo says I have it because I’ve been going for many years up and down, not consistent. Dude, 1) You’ve seen me 4 times in less than two months. 2) Your delivery was harsh. 3) Your nurse said you were in a great mood. 4) I begged you to be on my side last visit, to help me, to support me. I admitted I could not do this alone. That was HUGE for me. And in an instant you made me feel awful, like I was to blame, it’s all my fault. Oh the guilt. It Hurt. Physically. Yes, we ourselves manage our condition but the variables that eff with us….. it’s not all us, our bodies do what they do without asking, repeatedly. We could do the same thing every single day and get different results. Is this not taught in medical school?

Then I told him the edema was back, the diuretic made me feel like shit and what now. Then in the most passive, quiet way, he said the dreaded N word. Neuropathy. I stared. Ok. I always thought that was associated with tingling (see, I do Not know everything!). He said it has to do with the nerves becoming dull after all the years with ups and downs (bgs). The fluid there (the edema) cannot move out/on correctly anymore. So, compression socks, both legs. For how long? He laughed. Oh that stung. I said well, do I try this and see, what are my options, where could this go? He said you need to wear the socks for life. This is it. It happened, no going back. A complication. Part of living with Diabetes.

I tuned out after the word life. I felt dizzy. I felt lost. I wanted to say more. I wanted to cry. I wanted to beg. So I begged for him to fill out the CGM paperwork  because, Again, Not feeling my highs but ok, all my fucking fault. Thanks, Doc. Fuck you too.

Yes, I am mad. At him. I opened up to him. I let him in the darkest place I live in; I asked for help. And I get this bullshit?

So hyperglycemic unawareness and neuropathy. Oh and an A1c of 10. All in the span of about four months. FOUR.

Yea, I feel like shit. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m upset. I REALLY miss my parents.

For now I will hide. I got it out. 1554 words? WHAT!? I am insane. In the membrane.
I need more time to process all of this. And thanks for listening, err, reading.