![1-17-10: Who loves paper throwing time? [raises paw] I do! I do!](http://randomlycapitalized.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/kman_paper.png "1-17-10: Who loves paper throwing time? [raises paw] I do! I do!")
![1-20-10: I was sleeping. You know how bright that flash is? [nods head]](http://randomlycapitalized.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/kman_couch.png "1-20-10: I was sleeping. You know how bright that flash is? [nods head]")
Katsi; aka PITA, StinkPot, Potz, KatzPotz, Dude, Kitten and K-man.
He has an official name, many nicknames. Many forgotten nicknames too, after almost 17 years, probably a good thing. Many I will not post here, all terms of endearment and born of love, I promise.
He has a very big place in my heart. Always will.
I love you, Katsi. Very much.
———
I am still drained of words. Too much going on, it happens. Katsi, as of 12:10 am, is fine. He has some health issues, yes, but he is still his crazy self. Vet appointment at 9:45 am. Could be something, could be nothing.
I like words. A lot. I also like making them up. Ashley is much better at this than I am but……..it’s still fun.
Why a post about this?
Well, I got nothing. I am emotionally drained. It’s only the 9th of this month? (sigh)
And I have nothing about other words I’ve made up. Awesome.
That is all.
Sorry.
There was this show on. I know it was last Thursday. Something about some guy who is Not a specialist on Diabetes? Ah. Yes. America’s Silent Killer: Dr. Oz. Wait. No. That’s not right. He’s not exactly silent, now is he?
(Many, much better, writers have written posts about the Diabetes show, I did not see the whole episode, do not plan on it either…..I made a joke, get over it.)
Thursday evening my sister called me. Asking a Lot of questions. She was concerned my 10 year old nephew had symptoms of Diabetes. He is the healthiest kid I know. He is active, drinks water more than any other beverage. He exercises regularly. He likes salad. Ha. He is an amazing kid. He has been through more than most people I know. He is tough and smart. He is loving and caring. I’m biased, yes, but from a young age until now…..I have watched him grow and struggle in so many ways.
She would be 13. A teenager. The first time I thought of this I cried. I was angry. Then sad. Then I remembered all the wonderful memories. She graced this world with her personality, humor and infinite amount of love for almost 10 years.
Every year this date will weigh on my heart. Every day I will miss her. Every day I secretly wish she was still here. Every day I remember my sister. Her pain, her loss. Every day I am thankful I knew her. Every day I am grateful I was able to love her. Every day I am blessed because she loved me.
Te amo, princesa.
Te echo de menos mi querida sobrina, siempre.
Con amor,
Tu tía
———
The shaping of my life continues, as it should, as it always has, always will. I am grateful for this. Happens to be that I love learning new things, so that helps, at times. Yes. Life can be difficult. It can shock. It can lift you up then/or throw you down. But life cannot be all about that. Nor can it be all about my Type 1 Diabetes. There is much more to life than just what I wrote this week. From birth to death, life is full of the tragic and the magic. What we choose to do with each is what helps define our lives, paths, character. I can say, for sure, without any doubt, that life with love, family and friends is what Truly matters.
Amazing. Beautiful. Worthy. Sad. Intense. Simple. Chaotic. Crushing. Incredible.
Life.
This evening I will be spending time with family, celebrating the life of my neice. It will be theraputic and very difficult. There will be laughter, tears and silence. This is for my sister and nephew. I love them, dearly. Always. Forever. Gawd, I miss you Boo, so much.
This one, this one is hard. There is much I have yet to face. Much I never want to but probably will. Instead of details I just will not share here, I wrote a poem.
———
Just One Moment
Just one moment
Full of panic and fear
Yet it was neither
No flashes, no doom
Just one moment
I recall the feeling
Yet I still cannot name it
It’s there, still, always
Just one moment
All trust shattered
Anger and shame
Love lost forever
Just one moment
I will never, ever forget
It has not defined me
But it will never leave me
Just one moment
Made me aware
Gave me knowledge
Made me realize that
Just one moment
Was simply that
A flicking memory of
one moment living forever
———
Birth, shortly after diagnosis, college, late 20s.
Four times.
I could have died.
Could have.
Am I here for a purpose? I don’t know. I do know how short life can be. I know how precious and amazing life is. I know how insane, crazy, maddening and painful life is. I know that life is worth it. I know how much I Love life.
Even if I flail around at times, I try my best to remember that I Do love life. To me, if I forget, lose that passion for life, that is when I will pass on. If I haven’t before, due to circumstances beyond my control, then there is a reason for my purpose. Honestly, I do not need to know why.
Simply knowing, sometimes, is all I need.
I do know that the shaping of my life includes the specific moments I chose to post. Many, countless, others have also. They are all important, in one way or the other, because I have learned (and continue to do so) from each of them.
